Demeanor Practice

Mindfulness in our non-verbal communication as a spiritual practice…

Everyone is familiar with advice on the importance of being kind. But few have given much thought to it as a form of spiritual practice. At SNS, when we say spirit we mean the “essential nature” of a thing. A spiritual practice is any kind of activity that is aimed at raising our consciousness to the essential nature of something, ultimately for the purpose of transformation of our own essential nature (our character).

What I call demeanor practice is being more mindful about how we ‘come across’ to others. It is perfectly possible to be a good, loving, and kind person of virtue and principle who, nevertheless, doesn’t project any of that in his or her demeanor. It is easy to think that what really matters is action – what we are willing to do and not do. It is also easy to think that what our actual values, feelings, and motivations are that really matter.

As such, we might be tempted to look at our demeanor as simply PR – a shallow public relations matter that costs very little and is easily and commonly faked by so many; not of much value. However, the importance of a loving, kind, and compassionate demeanor is more crucial than a lot of people realize.

Of course, it is easy to see the external effects of compassionate demeanor. Showing kindness to others tends to (not always but often) elicit the same in others. This creates a generally more pleasant environment for everyone. The ‘little things’ can make a big difference. Such euphemisms are very surface level and not what would justify this article, but I would be remiss not to mention them, as they do refer to something of value.

And having said that, even this surface level understanding of kindness can produce profound effects. For example, when I was a freshman in college, I remember one night I was walking up to the student center. Two older women approached the door about the same time as I did. Without giving it much thought I held the door and smiled, letting them go through.

After we all entered, one of the women turned toward me with a tear in her eye. They were both wearing hijabs and it happened to be at the height of the first Gulf War. She said that everyone had been treating them coldly recently, and thanked me for showing them simple kindness. I told them it was my pleasure and that it was no problem. I wished them well and we went our separate ways, but I was really surprised. I hadn’t thought anything of it, but her reaction opened my eyes to what these two women, living in Texas, had been going through. To this day I am grateful to that woman and will never forget that incident. Yet even this is just one of the better examples of the basic external reasons for compassionate demeanor.

Inner Transformation
It is true that many people deal out meaningless expressions that cost them very little, as a substitute for doing something more concrete. This is why the widespread criticism of “thoughts and prayers” is so well deserved.

But for real action to take root requires true and sincere inner motivation. And building that is what demeanor practice is really about. Developing motivational empathy requires building habits of thought. And in this, the link between the internal and external (between mind and body) is very intimate. So intimate, in fact, that causation can flow either way.

Researchers have found that smiling is not simply a one-way external representation of what we are feeling internally. But when we smile, it can have a backward effect that generates the feelings a smile normally represents. In fact, anything that prevents the ability to emote can also dampen those feelings. Most human communication is nonverbal and it seems this would likely be the case for many other mannerisms.

This must be distinguished from the often and deservedly ridiculed example of women being told by men to smile more. Such a thing is a condescending attempt to invade another person’s autonomy for the benefit or ulterior purposes of others. Instead, demeanor practice only has meaning when the practitioner finds the practice useful and effective to experiment with themselves.

As such, for those who make a mindful effort toward maintaining compassionate demeanor as they go about their day and interact with others, they will likely discover the uplifting effects on their own experience. More than that, the effort it takes to maintain one’s attention on something that has become ‘automatic’ also serves as a more general form of exercising mindfulness, which helps other kinds of mindfulness practices.

One time I was downtown in a busy area, and was pulled over by a police officer. I received a traffic ticket for not stopping at a stop sign. But I know that I had actually stopped for several seconds because I used the moment to do something that took several seconds. The officer didn’t stop me until I was several blocks further than where he said this happened. I believe, given all the traffic and the delayed stop, he must have mixed my car up with a similar one.

I wasn’t angry about it. I’m sure it was an honest mistake on the officer’s part. But I had some free time coming up, so I decided to contest the ticket. The day of the court hearing, it was pleasant weather so I decided to walk and take the train downtown.

I wrote out all of my reasons why I was sure the ticket was a mistake and submitted my paperwork to the clerks. Then I was sitting in the front row of court room waiting for my case to come up. I had no idea yet if I would be told to pay or not. As I sat there, I spotted the two clerks looking at me, as they smiled and whispered something to one another, clearly in reference to me.

Then I saw the lawyers and judge handling my paperwork and talking to one another. The judge told me to come up and then said he was canceling my ticket, and to take the papers over to the clerks on my way out.

When I returned to one of them, she smiled again and said, “Sorry, we were just amused because we never see anyone in here who is smiling.” I laughed and said, “Oh! I thought I had food on my face or something!” We all laughed and as I walked out I realized, I had been sitting there in court smiling. I had recently been practicing mindfulness of my emotions and was feeling very equanimous, and I guess it was showing.

Here is an example where there was not even anyone I was smiling ‘to’, but where I had taken what could have been a miserable experience, and spent the time in peace. And this was regardless of the outcome of my case. The incident made me aware of how the practice was starting to become automatic for me. Such a practice shapes our thoughts, feelings, and intentions over time, helping to heighten empathy and compassion as well.

Examples
So, I have mentioned smiling, and the basic niceties (please, thank you, etc.) are obvious, but there are some other examples of demeanor practice worth mentioning.

• Eye to eye contact: I know this is difficult for some people. While I no longer have any form of social anxieties, it has never been natural to me either. But I often try, when I remember, to do so. In fact, I often even remove my sunglasses at the drive thru or when outside, simply as a courtesy when interacting with others. I want them to see my eyes so that I can be mindful about giving them a kind expression.
• The return ‘how are you?’: It is common for people to ask, ‘how are you’ after a greeting – especially when in the service industry. I always try to remember, after my answer, to ask them how they are. BUT, here is the important element that distinguishes demeanor practice from superfluous niceties… Try to really get into being genuinely interested and caring about their answer as you ask the question. If it looks like they are having a tough day, try to be sensitive to that. Every day is an opportunity to make someone smile. In this practice, kindness is a ritual. And like all rituals, if you aren’t really connecting your genuine feelings and inner experience to your ritualistic actions in real time, it becomes empty theater.
• Patience: Not simply waiting for your turn to speak and certainly not interrupting. I tend to think a lot quicker than conversation works, so this is a really challenging one for me. As soon as I see the reaction of someone I have interrupted I realize what I have done. I also tend to word things very carefully and a lot of what I say includes important caveats. So I have noticed that most people tend to hear the first half of your sentence only, guess what the rest is, and then try to respond to that. So, knowing what that feels like, I am especially disappointed in myself when I do it to others. Being patient and making the other person feel heard is a kindness to them and you will be happier when you experience what it is like when they are made to feel that way by you.
• Giving your attention: I love hearing when someone praises a person for “making you feel like you are the only one in the room”. It makes me want to be that kind of person. When you engage with others, try to put distractions away and give them your  full attention. Externally, this is a good way to get people to like you. But more deeply and importantly, the act of doing this (really doing it with your genuine attention and concern) works out your empathetic muscles and further develops your character and habits. I have played a game with myself in the past where I imagine my phone is some kind of secret (like Captain Kirk trying to hide his advanced communicator when visiting a primitive world). What would it be like to live in a way where no one even knew what your phone looked like?  There are many kinds of spiritual practices that are impractical on a permanent basis (like Lent, fasting, or a silent retreat), but can be a helpful temporary thing to try as an exercise.

So, as with all new practices, start small and simple. This entire concept, for me, began when a monk at a Buddhist temple recommended that we try in the following week to simply smile more. Not for anyone else or even necessarily ‘to’ anyone, but for yourself. Set your intention in the morning, and take time to reflect on the experience in the evening. You may be surprised at what you discover.

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