A Memento Mori Practice

It is winter in the Northern Hemisphere now. The trees are bare and the grass is brown. Winter is Nature’s yearly reminder, “Remember you must die.” Practicing how to die before we die is among the most valuable exercises in the spiritual journey, transcending many spiritual traditions.(1) 

One of the benefits of a memento mori practice is that it cultivates humility. We are not actually all that. One day the rolling of your particular wave and mine in the ocean of life will break over the shore. (Of course, the ocean remains, and tat tvam asi.) Memento mori is also an invitation to gratitude for the gift of life today. It is an inspiration to courageously make the most of life while we are here. 

In addition to the annual season of winter, Nature has other ways of reminding us of mortality. Nature’s “wake-up calls” include such things as strokes, heart attacks, and terminal diagnoses. They are Nature’s way of saying, “Remember you must die.” Whether experienced in ourselves or by those we love, these wake up calls shake us up. The good news is we don’t have to wait for something bad to happen, we can learn how to die before we die as part of our regular spiritual practice.

In my years working in hospice, I have benefited much from the pioneering work of Deborah Grassman and the lessons she learned over the course of her thirty-year career at the Department of Veterans Affairs during which she personally cared for more than 10,000 dying Veterans. Deborah is one of the founders of Opus Peace, an educational organization whose mission is helping people learn to heal the relationship we each have with ourselves.(2)

I recently attended the 2026 National Anchor Your Heart Day sponsored by Opus Peace.(3) During her presentation, Deborah Grassman asked participants, “Pretend like you died today. What would be left unsaid or undone?”

To facilitate reflection on these questions, we were invited to meditate and reflect using four phrases:

“Please forgive me.”

“I forgive you.”

“Thank you.”

“I love you.”

These first four phrases have roots in the Hawaiian shamanic healing practice of Ho’oponopono. These phrases have also been recognized by palliative care physician Ira Byock as the Four Things people need to say and to hear before we die.(4)

Then Deborah invited our reflection on three more phrases:

“Goodbye.”

“Let go.”

“Open up.”

Having made peace, it is time to say goodbye and let go of what has been, opening up to whatever lies ahead.

If you would like to practice this memento mori exercise yourself, sit straight in a chair with both feet on the floor. Place one or both hands firmly, yet tenderly on your heart. Now, three deep breaths. Slowly repeat the first four phrases out loud, “Please forgive me,” “I forgive you,” “Thank you,” “I love you” several times over until you become more calm. You can speak the phrases with an empty mind or with other people in mind who you have hurt or been hurt by. You can speak them to Nature and to your true self. Notice how speaking these phrases changes your relationship with yourself, with situations, and with others even though they are not present in the room with you. Next, say “Goodbye” to whatever you need to. “Let go” of what is no longer helping you. And “Open up” to whatever is next. The practice may even prompt healing conversations with people in your life around these themes. Repeat as seems helpful to you. 

May peace be with you.

__________
Learn about Membership in the Spiritual Naturalist Society

The Spiritual Naturalist Society works to spread awareness of spiritual naturalism as a way of life, develop its thought and practice, and help bring together like-minded practitioners in fellowship.

SNS strives to include diverse voices within the spectrum of naturalistic spirituality. Authors will vary in their opinions, terms, and outlook. The views of no single author therefore necessarily reflect those of all Spiritual Naturalists or of SNS.
___________

Notes:

(1) Due to the risk of triggering ex-Evangelical Christians like myself, I decided against entitling this article, If You Were to Die Today…. I include it here, because it is actually a helpful question even if the typical Evangelical answer to it may not be.
(2) See, Deborah Grassman’s Bio, online at, https://opuspeace.org/who-we-are/.
(3) For more on the Anchor Your Heart practice, which I use daily, see my previous article, Paradox and a Practice, posted on SNS on April 11, 2024 (https://www.snsociety.org/paradox-and-a-practice/).
(4) See also, https://www.irabyock.org/books.